Z for Zero
I’m standing at the intersection between the beginning and the end. A life both so full and empty; each word made manifest by the twin demons snaking their way around my body. The streetlights have once again found themselves casting a glow across an otherwise bleak night. Restless fingers twiddling in my pockets as they move to the rhythms of the street sounds around me. This dance, this cycle of addiction and subtraction has always left me exposed, alone, and afraid.
Do I choose to go left? A simple foray back into the familiar, down to the district with the same songs on repeat. Dilapidation sitting heavy in the air, familiar sounds find themselves rattling these old brick walls. I have been here before. The flashing lights and sweating faces, a confusing mix of adolescence crashing into adulthood. My mind wishing to have a taste of the unfamiliar, delicately coaxed into action by the whiskey visiting my mouth. An accidental glance into the eyes of another, terror at what could be, couldn't be, and wouldn't be. I can’t do this. I simply can’t do this.
Mental anguish plays very much like a predictable game of math when you think about. Always the same number, the same dosage, your mind carefully knowing just how much is needed to break you down into void dust. You go left knowing that you’re simply repeating a process. A wayward set of programs that never got checked for bugs, you’re stuck in a sequence you never consented to.
1+1+1+1= 0
Tell me how even when you’re adding on, wishing to grow and expand yourself…you somehow always remain the same. My darling friend you must understand that diminishing returns are always there to keep us humble.
Do I choose to go to the right? Closing my eyes and diving off the cliff, this time letting the waves take me. Surfing the streetlights with the wind on my face; I know not where I’m going, but I know that I’m choosing to go. For me, this road less traveled bears the greatest treasures and the highest of highs. So, tell me why I can never stay on it for very long, even after all this time. The more I add and the more I grow, the more I feel myself reverting to zero. The sum of my parts always negated by a past I simply cannot shake.
An evening walk with an evening friend, shades of newness adding color to an otherwise tired old equation. This time you chose a different number, this time you chose to do what you thought was right! The same city and the same dreams, all it took to make a difference was simply changing one number. You rejected the ugliness of the number One, seduced by the siren songs of his older sister Two. Echoing off both the streets and buildings, this mesmerizing aria could possibly lead you to ruin. You simply don’t care!
1+2+2–1=0
Tell me how you’re feeling right now? How does it feel to know you wound up being a victim of the rebound? Worry not though, the perpetual night still has so much in store for you my little moon child!
Do I choose to do nothing? Standing alone, friends long since departed into the shadows. Looking closely, those same shadows start to resemble the arms of the lover that could never be. Of course, moonlight has been known to inspire madness in some, but I sense that my eyes aren't lying to me this time. A perpetual watcher, I sit atop these buildings and wonder when I will be able to start counting again. Cloaked in fabric made from dust and dreams, I am forever fading into the infinite. To the left or to the right, each direction seems to go on forever.
0/0 = 0
I’m still standing at this lone intersection. The moon hanging a bit higher in the sky, radiating a different kind of energy this time. Those twin spirits have left my body, realizing now that I have chosen to shake up fate. I may spend the rest of my life returning here, dropped off by friends and lovers both former and not. This simple and comfortable space located in the echo chamber of my mind could very well become my grave.
In the end, we’re all reduced to zero whether we like it or not. The ugliness of life and the brilliance of humanity, after some time they always succeed in canceling each other out. With this knowledge resting firmly in my back pocket, I once again pick a direction. Even if it all winds up meaning nothing in the end; in this life given to me, I choose not to divide myself by zero.
